Wednesday, December 03, 2008
from yahna/hanay/yanah to hana
updated @
10:15 PM
you're done. and im done too. soon.
but since details had been mentioned, so why not ask yourself too?
on why all these had been happening.
why are we appeared as the bad bestfriends with bad attitude that night?
why am i not helping out at the chalet?
why am i not giving an instant reply?
why i felt like trash that night?
why i made a big hoohhaa here?
why is everything turning out to be this way?
im not trying to kill you with all these words. but then again, if i were you, i would feel hurt
reading all these from a bestfriend's blog. anger took control and im truly sorry for that but i
couldnt help it. i know you will understand.
nothing in this world, be it in friendship or relationship, is like a candy floss which is sweet all the time.
yes, everyone of course has their side of story. if we were to combine into one, tadah we found
that one thing that cause of all this.
and again, before you made assumption for this, im NOT trying to shoot you or anyone of us for this.
what im trying to say is that each one of us, be it myself has a PART in all of this.
everyone including me has a fault in this.
but everyone seemed to be running for their own commitments.
when one is all hyped up for a meetup, there will always be a disappointment afterwards.
when kinky and you are free, im not and most prolly due to tuitions and sizzy, i don't know.
and everyone has their turn of taking up the role of being absent.
not a single common day ever since the starting of the year for a table of four.
so yes, first of all, ask yourself why i did NOT reply any of your sms?
let me just answer that for you since for sure you won't be able to realise that's the true answer.
have you, yourself replied to any of MY sms? even at the most needed time? especially kinky's 22nd?
yes, at this point, you can just shoot me right in the head for bearing grudges over minor
detail or simply revenge. you should know im not revengeful of a person. but just so you could
realise on that, sadly you never.
that i swear you will still be kept in the loop if ever im involved in a mishap or something.
whatever for i kept all of your numbers? be it old and new.
oh your big bang birthday party was the period of my practicum forgodsake.
and you jolly well know how important was that and simply, i just need your understanding.
why can't anyone simply understand that a teacher's job is not as easy as what they appear to be?? school holiday, so what??
and i did NOT reply for this chalet. ask youself why lah. of course, dejavu!
so much for wanting people to reply your wondrous invite and yet a simple sms you did not.
was that sms not important? or you just don't care anymore?
but all in all, come what may as i already did mention, you KNOW we WILL always be there.
have i been absence from any of your occasions? help me to recall if i did.
i left my urgent task of lesson plans, emails and whatsnot behind just so i could attend your 22nd.
cause i know how you would feel if i weren't there. it's your burpday.
although at certain point of time i did want to risk my life for not attending and to see what will
happen next. but nah, it's just so weird and painful.
and i canceled my plans with the family just so i could attend yours and eddy's chalet.
you've already invite us first when we're out for raya visiting. and i couldnt be more happy
despite you keeping us in the dark about what's the occasion all about.
oh and your bestfriend made for each other, hilmi, had to bluff his way through with his boss
just so he could at least have the morning shift till evening just so he could attend yours and
eddy's chalet too. he's still new on the job, mind you and he did that for you. how brave and he
treats you as important as well. his gf's bestfriend is his bestfriend as well. that you do not know.
won't he at least get the credit by having his photo there?
you said yourself this is all about yours and eddy's circle of friends. if it's not about all the boyf's thingy, then hilmi should be there. you knew him before me. he's your friend. unless you never
treated him as one. anymore. it's not because of me that his should be there right?
isn't this what it's all about my dear buddy? friends, friends. not cause boyf, boyf.
secondly, sometimes i find you unreasonable. why do you have to be mad when someone
couldn't give their confirmation? why must everyone concerned gave a definite answer to you?
there must be a reason no matter what it was for not abling to give their confirmation right away, right?
we know this is important to you and eddy. but please try to understand other's situation, even
though you might not like it afterwards.
and again i must say, you know we will always be there even if we're late or whatever.
thirdly, so no confirmation means our presence had to be strike off from the list, like your
photo frame lah, guestbook lah and whatever?
what crap is that? this was only one thing i was totally mad about in the first place. why eh?
no confirm, let's scrap off their names!
no reply, let's scrap them off!
absent, no need to put their pictures and no need for guestbook lah!
is that how the whole thing works? gawd.
right in front of my eyes. of kinky's eyes. of the rest. what would they think?
even if we did NOT come, your other circle of friends and eddy's too were not supposed to know
us just by having our pictures and you introducing to them thru the pic, is it?
is it so embarrased to intro us even if it means thru the pic and say, oh my bestfriends did not
come because......even tho the reason of not coming is hurtin?
seriously, it's crap. i know your objective is to know each other's circle of friends.
but by doing this, i wonder what eddy would think aye?
didn't come, so no need for all those stuffs. -_-
i know you and eddy took so much effort in all those customized stuffs, but what the crap right?
never mind the guestbbok, but cannot put your bestfriends' photos there is it?
or are you not proud of us to put us there to be shown to all?
to think hilmi and anuar noticed even that when they went over to your side.
they thought we did not know about it and tried to hid from us, fearing we might be hurt,
till hilmi decided to tell me in the end.
and that came from Anuar of all people who jolly well know of our friendship.
he of all people knew how to be sensitive towards our feelings.
fourthly, what's with the boyf issue aye?
i think you're still not over with that issue. we never meant that way in the first place.
you never even told ME in the first place that you have found your true love. and this, im not
done with you yet. if i did not read your blog, i wouldn't know the existence of eddy.
to think i even had to know from kinky afterwards. not you. sigh.
if it's not hurting for you, but it is to me.
as a bestfriend, i couldn't be more happy and wanted to part of that joy with you, but then again, sigh.
and how am i supposed to know of your progress with syahid back then, right? -_-
and it's all our fault when we don't meant it that way. afterall, he has been our friend too since then.
back to you fuming over kinky's reason. despite that, didn't she say it's not confirm?
kinky too will always be there as long as she could. for us, not confirm, most prolly, we will
STILL be there. till now, you do not know us? but have you ALWAYS been there?
without Wan, she will definitely be there lah. ask yourself if you would in the first place?
she's always been there. alone she came to the hospital to visit my sis when haniq was born.
alone she came for my lil' haniq party, a family occasion. not some friend's occasion.
even though hilmi came later.
ah! now, im talking about this, i WAS angry with you for this.
not because of you not coming but because of your REASON as well.
what again?
went to poly's friend chalet? ok reasonable enough.
it's haniq's burpday only what. now, that's what got me mad.
i can't remember what kinky told me exactly but somewhere along that line.
you are my bestfriend and not only me who wanted to invite you, but it was my eldest sis who
insist on inviting you girls. never did i realise that to you, bestfriend's family isn't important as
well. that's pretty sad. without trying all means with all the plans to get close to your mum from
asking syahid to your lil' sis, your 21st won't happen either. if you could still remember at all.
we tried ALL means.
the least you could do was to drop by at the party for awhile at anytime you want since we were
just distance away and then off for your friend's chalet, right?
but then again, what right do i have to merely ask you that?
lastly, to sum it all up...
so you want us to be super bestfriends?
to look through the yellow pages to look for eddy's number? if failed, to look for your other
friend's number? whom we do not know and had no idea who and how?
they're of the same batch in poly with you, of course they will find their way to find you.
only that and we will be termed as true bestfriends?
just because of one thing, we are not true friends?
of course i understood well enough on how impossible for the hosts to entertainment everyone
at the same time and equally.
but throughout our presence, what do we have apart from you serving us?
don't tell me you want us to greet you and you greeting us with, "i thought you will never come"
and come in with a shocking beautiful frame without any of us in it, "Aidah, gambar kiter takde
seh" and that's what Kinky's known of for her direct and straightforward character and sweet
answer we got there, "you guys didn't confirm you're coming!" and bye that's it? nice!
the least you could do was to come over for a mere 5 min and chatted with us since we haven't meet up for freaking long time.
at least eddy acknowledged and chatted with his friends all around. he's a wonderful guy, no doubt.
but no, you would rather be with the others after serving us just like any other customer.
so who wouldn't feel like trash, tell me?
so was the sweet kind of a consolation prize?
at that moment, kinky had already been all moody suddenly. and what im best with?
yes, you're right. this is one true thing you jolly well know about me. staying quiet, pretending everything is ok and suppressing my own pain. altogether, an intense atmostphere. sigh.
but what am i supposed to do with all that before my eyes?
and me being nice, giving in and all is only accounted for the courtesy to reply msg only ah?
other than that, im not ah? thank you very much.
me being nice and giving in, im not even talking about about sms reply or that night.
and seriously, why are dealing with this part? macam mengira sangat pulak.
tak akan abis kalau nak mengira je.
and that's totally not the reason here. im not trying to be angelic here. to err is human.
nobody is born perfect and all but can't you see?
and please don't ever say i don't give a damn. where you girls are concerned, i always give a damn. never mind the fight that i always had with hilmi about you girls for having to care for
you all too much that i don't care about him.
it's like you girls and hilmi are on the same par on my priority list, family being the first.
you always want everything your own way. we tried to give in as much as we could. you're the baby. but we're all grown-up now and you don't expect us to give in as well right.
much to the confirmation and all.
when we advised, you listened, thinking you might ponder over it but you say that we will never understand.
ask your friends who came up to you asking about our attitude being that way to just ask us why.
no need to ask you. the reason simple. no need to account for all that had happened that i had already mentioned earlier.
just look ahead of them, yes, that frame alone enough to make up for how we look or our attitude that night.
tell me, who wouldn't be hurt and question oneself about that frame?
which bestfriend or even a simple friend wouldn't feel hurt?
so does having that attitude made us pathetic bestfriends? not that they knew us anyway.
people can judge for all they want but if that happens or already had that night, did you defend
us? say...oh they had a bad day, that's why they're like that but actually they're not, they're
my bestfriends and long-time friends (boys). did you?
we even want to leave soon after but on account of our friendship, we stayed.
we woudn't want to make a scene out of this happy occasion that both of you have worked hard for.
everyone has their bad points. we were all trying to mingle with eddy as much as we could so
there won't be any awkwardness among us. and everyone has their own childish characters and
being immature and all in some part of their life. and we all laugh about it.
as your love, he jolly well have to accept your bad points too right? surely he wouldnt mind right?
we always shoot about our individual bad points at each other and we took it well since we've
known each other for so long that i guess that's how the bad points came along in our
conversations. we're used to it.
we're your bestfriends and we said what we said to show our concern. and definitely not a bitch.
so, are you trying to say that Wan and Hilmi did not think well of Eddy? hhmm. think again.
even with mohd, they have always been positive and neutral.
so please do not get the wrong idea of this entry wanting to pull you down and whatsnot.
nope, its not. i love you pretty much still to be cruel to do that.
you said it that i love to keep everything to myself, bottling all up, not wanting to
talk about it. guess i chose the wrong avenue of letting it out once i want to let all out.
like what was i thinking?
but then again, who can i confide to?
hilmi will go...ala, you girls don't get too dramatic and emotional lah..and you still have me.
boys don't understand the problem that we girls are going thru even tho the last part was sweet of him. they can never understand. don't get upset but you're still my babyku kontol. =)
and i don't like to call or sms, especially when i get no replies. it would be better that we all meet
and have our pretty old heart-to-heart session again. face to face where everyone will listen.
not call or sms one by one to vomit all the problems that we had to each other. that won't solve.
but then again, what was i really thinking again aye?
it's the same as wishing for miracle to happen for all of us to meet.
so i guess this was the only avenue to seek attention from all of you girls.
we used to do anything and every possible way just to drown our misses to one another, making
sure everyone made it no matter what.
but i do not know why ever since, the enthu and energy seemed to fade away.
that i always can't help but to blame work, family, boyfriends and other commitments.
yes, we're all busy. this and that. but..........is it just so hard?
just needing to find the right time and day out of 365 days we have.
where is our lifetime promise?
everything happens for a reason.
everyone has their part in all of these. in everything.
time being the major concern of all.
i apologised if i did not have the initiative to help out at the chalet.
i apologised if i did not reply your sms instantly just to get back at you.
i apologised if my understanding is not enough or never enough.
i apologised if any of my words are harsh enough to leave a deep hole in your heart.
and im truly sorry for everything.
it will never be ending if we were to talk about anything and every single part of the things we did.
just because we bothered so much about each other that we quarrel and fight.
just because we care so much about each other that we quarrel and fight.
just because we love each other so much that we quarrel and fight.
and now, just because we missed each other goddamn much that we are what we are right now.
and it did not help much with the surprising yet expected great news of sizzy.
even though deep inside, for sure, we are truly happy for you nonetheless. =)
which bestfriend wouldn't be happy?
this is one of the things in life of our bestfriends that we looked forward to, now that we're grown up now.
im sorry sizzy for this and i still bear the hope of you still reading this blog.
if not, i will make sure i get you and kinky as well to read this. if no time, then forget it. totally.
but seriously, amist all the problems you faced, out of 24hrs in a day,
don't you have 1 hr for us? a simple coffee/ice milo/bandung session will do.
we don't ask for everyday or every weekend or every month.
i think i should seriously stop all these typings.
it's just so saddening looking at the state we're in now.Labels: bestfriends
